joshua denney

Sometimes it takes me days to snap out of it. One time, it even took a whole year.

I wake in the morning, midmorning really, and find myself unsure of why I continue. Food is on my mind, hunger down below.

I step outside my box, I breathe the air. The sun feels good, although it does not quite get to me. I speak to myself about what it would be like to wake up with the sun outside on a beach, on the edge of a jungle.

Grapefruits are great to eat — Argh — Phone call. What now? Ahh, menial task, how surprising. I am supposed to be able to concentrate with irregular distractions like this…I see. Fuck.

Yes, they are refreshing. Not too sweet, very juicy and it takes a bit of work to make it all happen.

The rain. Will it ever stop testing my willpower?

Each day you learn something new about people, even if it is something you learn from your own behavior.

Making generalities will be the death of me. You cannot decide one person’s fate by using vague statistics and trends or by speculating with your opinions. A fool told me that once. I take it to be true.

Their insistence that I ‘do my job’, it irritates me. What waste of life have I allowed myself to become? 5’9, almost 200lbs of one I suppose. From who’s perspective, though?

Is it me, is it me, oh is it me?

I struggle to find any real emotion, any some thing that I am passionate about. I lack direction.

The ease and security she is attracted to, it has diminished over time. Each step I make backward I feel myself getting weaker and not as secure. I can no longer exude the same confidence I was once able to. My physicality is lacking, I am unhappy in my job and my housing situation has taken a major hit. Once on top of the world, now a mere shadow of my former not-as-cliché self.

When they believed I had won the lottery they reached out. Some failed in their attempts to seem genuine. I’m preparing them, as well as myself, for the future, haha.

Every time I do something that goes against what my ideal course of action might be, I stray from my path. The path of growth, of enlightenment, it is not an easy path to keep on. You must always be reaffirming your beliefs and ideals, always building and staying focused.

Time will unravel the eventual outcome of every moment that has been had in my life. The overall picture is never very close to you when you need it, just slightly out of reach, out of focus.

Why do we rarely speak the truth? I think the answer lies in our inability to discern the real emotions from the false emotions. Of course both are real, but the fundamentals of each are very different. A base emotion-fear-it can exist, with no prejudice. Take a misunderstanding, a miscommunication, and you can easily have the emotion of fear, but it would be ‘false’ given that you don’t fully understand the situation and there may actually be nothing to fear. Is there a way to fully understand (on what terms? Scientific? Spiritual?) every situation, every reaction a human being can make? If you could, would you cease to emote or would it be a truer form of emotion, an enlightened state of being? Does it really matter?
Or is it that we are worried of what damage our image might take if we stray from the tidy box we’ve presented ourselves to be?

What have I realized at the end of the day? Not quite sure, really. I’ve got this vague idea of what I might like to do, this plan of what I want to be, but it does not seem to materialize. A key ingredient, action, is missing. Action on what though? The plan isn’t really a plan and the idea is a vague one. Pretty basic.

Conventional, contemporary, conservative, don’t stray too far. Radical ideas without radical action. Grand schemes and wild dreams, yet nothing makes them happen. Not for lack of actual ability, but lack of willpower, of drive.

The conscious mind vs. the sub-conscious mind. The sub-conscious allows us to live, to really feel like there is something wonderful going on while the conscious mind acts as our security, our monitor, our public relations guy. Things you are good at, passionate about, they become harder to get to as the conscious mind messes you about. They would have you believe you must act a certain way, appropriately for each situation.

Is your subconscious able to foresee the future or is it just good at predicting outcomes or is it just good at letting you know what you actually feel? Either of the last two could be called foreseeing the future, because one would never actually ‘see’ it.

Is it an ability to see the future or does it merely condition you to shape the future to your liking and/or expected outcome? Expected outcome? Future? What is the actual difference between those two? One may not be the same as the other but, if the expected outcome was based on very accurate observations and judgments, could it not be the same? Is that the limitation we must overcome to move forward?

Limitations in our psyche ultimately dictate our physicality and our general limitations in life. If you could have no limit to what your mind could achieve, could your body be able to match up to that? 90lb weaklings turn into 200lbs muscle men while other people gain hundreds of pounds (of fat), single-handedly or with little guidance (or lack thereof). The human race has accomplished so much compared to what it typically agrees it can accomplish. The general consensus is that we can accomplish ‘only so much’ and that we are limited. Who are these anomalies in life, these people who exceedingly surpass all typical human beliefs while moving our entire world forward? What was it that allowed them to break the typical barriers of thought?

We limit ourselves - the conscious mind - remember? To consciously say or think we have limitations is a defense mechanism of the conscious mind, much like the defense mechanism kicking in when we need to lie about our true feelings to save face. We cannot understand this situation well because we are very much immersed in it. Just like you cannot see your forehead without a mirror, you cannot see your condition (of this defensive limiting) without an external guide or clue to gain you a different or greater perspective.

When we are children we have open minds, impressionable, limitless. That magical feeling when you watched science fiction (believing it could be real) or peter pan flying (knowing you could do it with some practice) is the young conscious mind, not so set in his ways, not so judgmental or adverse to new and perhaps illogical ideas. Very few systems exist to curb our actions and thoughts beyond what our environment has told us thus far (depending on age and experience, possibly very little). Along with this lack of thought methodology you have negatives (or are they) because learning things like ‘fire burns’ or ‘electricity shocks’ can be useful and, of course, have been helpful in your surviving life. Intelligence is partially structural, or made up of many systems to help test life to learn. Imagination is non-linear and can help surpass those systems, to search for something else and may or may not return something useful. Both are probably necessary to development of the mind. One could not have a sense of progression without a system to gauge the process. Systems measure things, restrict things, guide you in learning, and help you feel solid and grounded in knowing them. Imagination sets you free…freedom of thought can help break through inaccurate or out-dated systems. It can help you deal with complex thoughts and feelings on death and life itself, it’s meaning.

In searching for this meaning of existing or understanding of the mind, I’ve yet to truly ‘know’.

We all exist in the very physicality of our being. If you were to believe that someone is there, whether you are or not, you are saying that the world exists and your mind tells you that it does, when you come upon it. If you were to believe that the mind translates thoughts and feelings and creates this ‘world’ you may have a looser definition of life. Somewhere in between is probably the truth.

When you are younger, getting to that age where you look forward (because much of our time in youth is spent in the moment, don’t you agree?) you tell yourself these feelings or ideas, these ways of being that you wish to keep dear to you and bring with you through life. Along the way you learn, you grow, you change. Your environment changes, the rest of the world changes. You change your ideas to match these changes.

Is the core of our being linked to keeping core values consistent with someone we were at 18 years of age? This supposed search for ‘who we are’, does it really ever end in a one-sentence answer? Is there a word or name that clearly defines you as a person, as a being of this world?

Is this merely a diversion created by my conscious or sub-conscious mind (not sure who’s winning at this point) or are these all valid considerations in my quest to better understand myself and the world around me? To move myself forward, are these things necessary? If not absolutely necessary, would they help?

I spend time reading the help wanted sections when I know I’ll never fit into any of the jobs offered. Why do I waste my time? Seeking an easier alternative to the one you know you must take? Hard work lies ahead, accept it and go.

On the other hand, perhaps it’s to serve as a reminder. It reminds me that I will never fit into any of the jobs offered. Get it?

If everything I’m discovering has already been discovered, what purpose does it serve? To know the method or process in which they came to these conclusions? Purpose to me only, purpose to anyone else, probably nil.

Please disregard any spelling and grammar mistakes as this is my mind’s ramblings, not intended for public consumption.

We focus so much on making large impacts upon the world that sometimes we forget how much a single gesture to another human being can mean.

Stop making excuses for what you know to be the way it must be.

Most of you can’t understand me. I have spent many years involved in what I like to call ‘life’. That wasn’t funny. I like this and that and the other thing, you like the same perhaps? How can we get to a level where we can be descriptive with ourselves and actually understand each other? Most people will not understand when I tell them who I am. I cannot tell them this. They cannot comprehend this. The English language does not allow me to speak words that describe what is involved in my head. I can say something vaguely reminiscent of how I feel, what I like. I can do that. When does it ever lead to the truth though? Not very many times, I will tell you that. So maybe a monk I shall be. No. I can do it, I can explain and emote and describe.

Words cannot contain the feeling that the body can give off to someone while describing their feelings. Words will be subjective but can have feeling, not feelings specific, but feelings indeed. Poetry is an example. Songs, nope, they have music, music creates a mood all by itself.

Why am I telling myself about things I already know about? Pouring my mind onto the screen?? Or are you reading this, you aren’t me, you are someone else and you wonder what is next…what will I give you?

Token friendship is not appreciated. Stars are not as bright where city lights outshine them. I know this because I spent time on the picnic table behind my house; I looked up and saw the truth. The very moment you are in now, this moment, is the moment in which you will be able to experience whatever truth there is to be seen. This is key to the potential of life itself. Embracing what truth you can find in these moments to help bring about more moments.

What is the truth now? It’s been much too long ignoring what you want to do with yourself. While benefits do come and definitely do go, it’s been much too long.

Why don’t we ever do things that come naturally to us? We inhibit our abilities and opportunities by not allowing this to happen. We hide and do not foster these skills, allowing them to sometimes wither away. Are all these observations directed at myself, others or both?

Do I live in my thoughts? Do I need to be better connected to the world I seek to understand? They say to live in ‘the moment’ but what if the moment sucks and my thoughts offer more fun, excitement, or worth? What if the thoughts offer a greater understanding of the realities? Of the future or of things yet to be discovered? Great truths unearthed and all it took was a year or so of solitude.

I think this time spent thinking is apart of what I’ve been seeking, perhaps all of my life. I’ve always known certain things, I felt others might not know…or maybe they just preferred to live in denial or in spite of their thoughts? Are they happier? Or am I smarter for dealing with it quicker than they? I guess it depends on your point of view, and whether you were happy or not.

Obviously I’m not happy. I feel I have all of these pieces to a puzzle that is the successful and happy life I know I will live, but I cannot seem to make them fit. Perhaps it is the unwillingness to try because of the chance they may not fit perfectly.

Fear of making mistakes? Of change?

Change is the number one thing you need to embrace. Life is not static, it’s dynamic. Always changing to fuck you up when you least expect it. You see, change happens without warning. You are not in the loop. You do not get updates on what it will do next. Change happens and you don’t even know it is happening.

The change is telling you something. Maybe even SCREAMING AT YOU! It says ‘adjust yourself accordingly, bitch; or else!’.

Fuck this.